Tuesday, March 14, 2006

I'm just plain grumpy today. Astrologyzone says it's the "penumbral eclipse" plus mercury in retrograde. I think it has just as much to do with the days of rain, my obese cat and his incessant hollering for food every time I pass his bowl; the state of our home, which is in boxes as we pack, and the fact that my brain continues to feel full of cotton batting at a time when I really need its neurotransmitters to step up to the task of getting work done.

God I'm such a whiner.

Actually, I also noticed that after re-reading old journals (see entry below)I felt kind of depressed. It's sort of like I don't relate to my old selves anymore, and even feel slightly embarrassed about some of them. There were years when I let other people shape my identity, tell me how to be; other years when I fought being myself for less clear reasons--old shame, fear of being alone, etc. But the worse part of these journals is that I typically only wrote when things were going bad, or I was feeling down. There is so little of the joy of my life captured in my journals and now I am sad for that. Maybe the joy got channeled into my fiction.

So I'm trying to capture more of my joy these days. The more I write about what's good, the more of it there seems to actually be. And there is a lot that's good right now!



At 11:14 AM, Blogger Stephanie said...

I read some journals from a particularly emotional time when i was 19 and I became so depressed. I even let Jim read them to try and understand what I was going through at the time.

But the truth was that just like all memoir, there are choices in what we record. What I wrote was all about emotional pain, but lacked any of the joy I remember so clearly from that time. And then it was also evident that I was heavily influenced by the voices of my roommates. I could almost hear their voices in everything I wrote. In the end, I think I was so upset by what was recorded in that particular journal that I must have thrown it out. I can't find it (but I'm not looking that hard).

It's good to be an adult. :)


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