Monday, March 13, 2006

Inspired by Myfanwy's recent blog posts, I've been re-reading through some of my old journals (they go back to age 11...I have nearly 100 of these suckers). I'm going to post three entries going backwards in may find yourself busting a serious gut. I laugh so hard I cry when I read the older ones.

July, 29 2004 (beware, I was reading a lot of Camus at the time) 29 years-old.

"I'm thinking of that crow we saw yesterday on the beach, which had a broken leg and was clearly in pain--by the way it stretched its mouth open and closed without a sound. It could still fly, but this wasn't full consolation for it.

"E and I had a hard time watching it suffer on the beach there, and could not continue swimming there. But, I thought, not only was our unwillingness to see it suffer selfish and very human (animals are a lot more indifferent), but if that same suffering crow decided to attack us out of fear, we would quickly lose sympathy for it. It's hard not to reduce this down to the fact that we are all animals vying for our own survival.

"Last night a three-quaters moon spilled its light on the river that is just below our campsite and I stood watching the lit water wiggle and move, and fell into such a meditative state I felt like I was in amniotic fluid again. I wonder if it is also instinct that where there is water, there is safety and life and so we keen toward it and feel better in its presence."

High Drama Warning! This next post was written at summer camp between the end of high school and the beginning of college where I was a junior counselor... Comments in italics are added by me now to clear up certain things.

July 29, 1992. 17 years old.

"I don't know what to do about the pain that has been welling up inside me and is continuing to well up. I feel too full for one person and very vulnerable. I feel like my whole world and anything I may hold dear to myself is in jeopardy of being ripped apart. What's going on? I'm afraid to be angry but I have to let all of this anger loose soon before I drive myself insane.

"Camp has seemed to last forever. I dont' know what to do with myself anymore. Mary (a co-counselor) is pulling a serious power trip and it is hurting me. When I'm sick she gets mad at me. When Claudia is,s he takes care of her. She thinks I take control of her things too often but she won't say it to my face, she'll just hold a grudge and get bitter and treat me like shit.

"I feel like she has the capability to ruin my relationship with Bryan (Mary's brother, and the boy I, ahem, gave up my womanhood to). I feel like she wants to and she might. Why is she so malicious?"

October 2nd, 1998. Age 14.

"Have you ever had that feeling like a sudden realization of something has just hit you? I was just sitting here listening to the song, "Then, When," by Tracy Chapman, fiddling with my alarm clock while looking at myself in the mirror and I saw the window behind me. There is a tall green bush behind my bed and a sort of green-gray light was being shed into my room and it made me sad, confused, lost, nostalgic for something I can't determine. "

July 28, 1988. Age 13. See if you can follow the 'who's who'...

"I do like Kevin, but not the way I thought I do. I realize that I like Ben still after all and I just can't turn off my feelings for him, and now I realize that if I went out with Kevin I'd be using him to get back at Ben and that's called "use abuse" (my words!). However, since Ben told Debbie that he didn't like me, he's been ignoring me and won't talk to me although his best friend Taro assures me he doesn't hate me but simply hasn't gotten over it yet. Tonight was 4th of July. We all had a campfire and had sparklers and the staff sent off little fireworks, but nothing special. It was depressing and I am depressed. I don't know what to think."

There you have it.


At 12:07 PM, Blogger Susan Henderson said...

I absolutely love getting to know the kid versions of you and Myf. What a wonderful thing that you've both kept journals for so long!

At 2:26 AM, Blogger Ellen said...

I agree with Sue. Knocks me out that you still have these things.

And what a precocious kid you were!

At 4:16 AM, Blogger Myfanwy Collins said...

LOVE these posts, Jordan! Your 14 year old one gave me goosebumps. It so reminded me of one of Frankie's observations from Member of the Wedding--the brilliant clarity of youth.

At 8:34 AM, Blogger Ms. Lori said...

I'm with Myfanwy on your 14-year-old self one. And that song always got to me...

At 8:52 AM, Blogger Jordan E. Rosenfeld said...

Thanks my dears! I find a lot of my old journal entries either deeply funny or very sad. It's really strange to read my own words as a teenager and see how hard it was, and know what I know now. I wish I could reach back in time and tell myself certain things!


At 11:10 AM, Blogger Stephanie said...

I wish I could go back in time sometimes too (but only to tell myself it would be okay, not to stay!)


Post a Comment

<< Home