Tuesday, January 09, 2007

I just have to get this out of the way first: "Speculum cervix movie." A german searcher came to my site via that phrase. I don't believe I have ever used that phrase on my blog before, but I damn well plan to from now on. It will also be an ice breaker for new friends. "Care to come over Friday night and watch my speculum cervix movie? It's riveting!"


I haven't posted in awhile because I enjoyed the fact that my last post was so happy! and wanted to leave that happy!ness up. Not that I plan to change the mood around here. Chez Jordan things are still happy but also another thing for which I am seeking the proper adjective. Punchy? Pissy? (Do not go there, ye dirty minds. Do not!) Spunky? I'm not sure what it is I've been feeling but it falls somewhere between petulant and forthright.

I've been responding to situations more honestly lately, which is to say, more messily. More "this is my sloppy first reaction" and less "let me be nice to you so you will like me."

The response is, as I expected, mixed. Produces a lot more conflict! It's hard to go from perfectly polite to honestly messy. I often find myself wanting to clutch after the newly expressed truth and reel it back in. But that's the thing about truths, bottle 'em up long enough and they have the force of baking soda and vinegar shaken in a bottle (that's what I call layperson's physics!)

I've also been grappling with the little beast I keep chained below my fourth right rib at all times, where I can pinch her little neck below my armpit--my ego. She's been getting out of her chains more and more often and scrambling up to my shoulder and speaking in MY voice, the little devil. She's been asserting herself, wanting attention and validation for her perceived sense of self-importance, while I try to shove her back into a choke hold.

I guess it's inevitable. After toil, sometimes you want rewards. I'm just trying to learn how to be proud of myself and my achievements and my knowledge without coming across like a bitchy know it all. I realize that I suffer from a little bit of pride, too. I don't want to be told something I already know, which probably cuts me off from learning new, useful things and makes me seem closed off. Gotta work on that.

So this is all to say that while I'm happy, I'm also shifting into someone slightly different. Someone I'm not sure all those of you who know me will still find to be quite so nice or likeable in the future. I hope you do, but I have to let go of even that.

I have to just be myself, whoever that is.



At 10:25 PM, Blogger Laini said...

Hi Jordan! Speculum cervix movie? Wooeee! Sounds so erotic. haha. And yesterday's happy was lovely, but this person who lets her ego get some choice words in, that person sounds pretty interesting too. Don't stifle her!


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