Friday, January 05, 2007

I am a marshmallow (goo goo ga joob)

Yesterday I felt...strange. All day I tried to put my finger on what I was experiencing. I was the human equivalent of marshmallows; I was that fake spiderweb stuff you hang on halloween; I was really thin, expensive silk hung from the top of a tall tree that catches the wind.

I got lots of work done at home, and completed my project at the bookstore. I was nice to customers and didn't get too impatient. I had a nice conversation with my co-worker.

I was looking forward to things.

It took me until seven o'clock at night to realize that I felt...


Happy enough that I felt the need to point it out to E. in much the same way I might announce, "I've just won free money!"

I didn't recognize my own happiness (indeed, I kept thinking: whatever this feeling state is, there HAS to be a cause and gosh darn it, I'm gonna hunt it down and kill it!) because for the past three weeks I have been feeling shades of gray ranging from anxious to bad to downright crappy.

Of course, sheer happiness for its own sake is apparently unacceptable in Jordan's inner council of emotional scrutiny bureau--a nasty office full of red tape and men in horrible suits that can be found in my left temporal lobe--because I kept sniffing out the source. Why am I happy? Is it because I have let go of things out of my control like people's perceptions of me? Is it perhaps that I have come to the end of a very lengthy project that I felt would never end? Is it because I found my inspiration mojo again to keep plugging away on the novel revision? Did it have something to do with the brand new episode of The Office, perhaps?

At the end of the day, and here today as well, I still don't know for sure. I only know that I am still very fluffy lemon meringue pie; one of those enormous balls people use in Pilates class; forget that--people, i am a goddamn hot air balloon. And I really don't care why.


At 8:17 AM, Blogger Patricia said...

Wow. Congratulations. For being able to see it and feel it.
And your ability to say it so nicely.

It is amazing how we can so freely and often say: "I'm sad" without surprise for us or the hearer. And how rarely we can say "I'm happy". We feel we have to give explanations about it.
As if apologizing or justifying for it.

Honestly, I don't remember having felt happy "just because". There's to be always an excuse. And I do remember feeling sad many many times.

Cheers to your happiness!!

At 1:10 PM, Blogger tracer said...

Free money! I mean, free happiness!!!

At 2:41 PM, Blogger Devon Ellington said...

Those are the moments of which you want to take emotional snapshots to hold close to your heart. On the difficult days, you pull them out and relive them.

At 10:50 AM, Blogger Jordan E. Rosenfeld said...

Devon, you are correct about that!

Tracy: I think happiness brings money.

Patricia: Thank you for the cheers!


At 2:29 AM, Blogger gerry rosser said...

I love happy reports.

At 11:46 AM, Blogger paris parfait said...

Well the psychologists always say don't look too closely at happiness - just enjoy it!


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