Today I learned of a blog that belongs to someone I used to be friends with. I hate that phrase, "used to be." It's not in my nature to unbecome friends with someone. But this someone and I were having the mother of all miscommunications more than two years ago and who knows what unconscious features were at work for us. I still believe it was our child selves that were fighting, that couldn't relinquish whatever needed to be relinquished in order for us to remain friends. All I know is that it is the only friendship that ever ended that caused me so much pain. I dreamt about her for over two years. In every dream we reconciled, if only tensely. Who knows if it's even possible to reconcile these things. But I have wanted to say so many things that my pride didn't let me say when it ended. I always felt like the weak one, and she the strong, a dynamic I've long been attracted to in friends.

And now she is a mother and when I saw a photo of her on her blog my little heart seized up with grief. I miss her, but I'm afraid. I've long wanted to send an email, but I suspected--she being the strong one, that she wouldn spurn it, tell me to get lost. And I see from her posts that she still thinks women are flaky--which I certainly didn't help her thwart at the time, though I didn't see myself as flaky, but I can imagine that's what she thought.

All I can say is that I have thought of her over and over again and wondered if we could ever talk again. I doubt we could become the kind of friends we were, but maybe we could know each other. Maybe we could cheer each other on in the world. I really don't know. I don't know if I am just dreaming because my heart never quite mended over the whole thing.

sigh...

JPR