Monday, October 10, 2005

Today I learned of a blog that belongs to someone I used to be friends with. I hate that phrase, "used to be." It's not in my nature to unbecome friends with someone. But this someone and I were having the mother of all miscommunications more than two years ago and who knows what unconscious features were at work for us. I still believe it was our child selves that were fighting, that couldn't relinquish whatever needed to be relinquished in order for us to remain friends. All I know is that it is the only friendship that ever ended that caused me so much pain. I dreamt about her for over two years. In every dream we reconciled, if only tensely. Who knows if it's even possible to reconcile these things. But I have wanted to say so many things that my pride didn't let me say when it ended. I always felt like the weak one, and she the strong, a dynamic I've long been attracted to in friends.

And now she is a mother and when I saw a photo of her on her blog my little heart seized up with grief. I miss her, but I'm afraid. I've long wanted to send an email, but I suspected--she being the strong one, that she wouldn spurn it, tell me to get lost. And I see from her posts that she still thinks women are flaky--which I certainly didn't help her thwart at the time, though I didn't see myself as flaky, but I can imagine that's what she thought.

All I can say is that I have thought of her over and over again and wondered if we could ever talk again. I doubt we could become the kind of friends we were, but maybe we could know each other. Maybe we could cheer each other on in the world. I really don't know. I don't know if I am just dreaming because my heart never quite mended over the whole thing.




At 9:25 PM, Blogger suzanne said...

Hey Jordan, I went to the LitBlog panel during the Book Fair and have been reading and enjoying your blog ever since.

Friendships and their sundering is such an interesting topic. I've just been on the receiving end of a "lost" friend wanting to reconnect, so I've been mulling over similar issues.

Keep up the good posts.

At 12:51 PM, Blogger Jordan E. Rosenfeld said...

Hey, Suzanne, thanks for stopping by! Oh, friendship is a difficult topic. How are you handling the lost friend trying to reconnect?


At 5:22 PM, Blogger suzanne said...

Right now, I'm using a hellish work schedule as an excuse to ignore her message, but I'm leaning towards replying to her. I was inspired by your panel to resolve to do more networking/outreach, so I s'pose I shouldn't turn away an opportunity that has come looking for me. Who knows, maybe I'll gain another blog reader. :)

What about you--will you send that note?

At 5:30 PM, Blogger Jordan E. Rosenfeld said...

Crap, blogger ate my comment.

What I said was: I don't have her email address, only her blog, or yes, I'd send my note. I don't want to post my thoughts on her public blog. I did post a congrats on her new child, and if she got it, I have no clue what she thinks. I would guess she's suspicious. My feeling is that at the time of our parting we both felt justified that it was the other person's fault. I have since seen that it was a dynamic, a dual thing. We created it together. But I have no idea what she thinks or feels or if it's worth it to her to bother with me. I fear it's not worth it to her. But I made my bed, so I guess I have to lie in it.



Post a Comment

<< Home