Monday, August 08, 2005

Mamma Mia

It's difficult to be a human. You're challenged by the relationships to people who comprise your family, you're challenged by being alone...there's not an equation of in-relationship or out of relationship-ness that is without problems of some kind (though many would opt for the out-of kind). Yet somehow we press on. Just watch a few episodes of Dr. Phil and you can really want to give up hope on the human race ever learning to communicate (No, I'm not a regular watcher, I'm a fair-weather watcher when I'm in the mood for drama and egotism).

It's no secret that I've been doing therapy with my mother for over a year. Just the words "therapy with my mother" make most people get hives, and the rest of people I know scratch their heads and wonder why I would waste my money. Well it's not a waste, but it's not easy either, some days a lot not-easier than others. Like today, for example...I come away from a session, in which I express my feelings and admit my needs, feeling guilty, like I need to check in with her to see that she's not going to beat herself up and hate herself for trying with her ungrateful wretch of a daughter.

How can we stand in two places at once? The place of being mad at our mother for things she continues to do that are hurtful, and grateful for the fact that she keeps showing up week after week, determined to have a better relationship?

I wish some days that she would just give up. That would be better. Then I could just feel sad and hurt and go on with my life. But she won't. She really wants to be better, and to try, and sometimes she wants it so much that she runs right past me. It's not all her fault, either. I'm a fucking boulder in there. I don't like to be vulnerable, I hide my feelings. I resist. I'm a good actress. I'm hard to read.

Today the whole thing just makes me sad. If I were her, I'd cut my losses, is how i feel today.

It bears the question again. Do I have the stamina to be a parent? I really don't know. And I know someone out there is likely to respond to this post with: "let the past be the past, move on, blah de blah..." Just so you know, I've already tried that route.



At 5:21 AM, Anonymous jose luis said...

it's dificult, but it's all we have. isn't it?

At 4:30 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The only path to freedom is Forgiveness.

At 7:32 PM, Blogger Maurie said...

I don't have any great advice. I know that my parenting has been greatly impacted by my own parents lack of parenting. I could say that I've learned from them, etc., etc., But the reality is there is a great gaping hole in most of us that yearns to be filled by a good parent - one that is faithful, trustworthy, caring. I can say that I'm more sympathetic to my parents now that I have teenagers...somedays I think "wow, I am at the age my mom was when such and such happened.." and I am at that moment both humbled and relieved.

I don't know that forgiveness is the answer totally. Forgiveness of what, exactly? Forgiveness of events? Parents? Being the 'egg of the month' and having to live through it all? I dunno. Forgiveness takes a lifetime to master and sometimes quitting just seems easier.

I asked a friend recently how he had overcome being in foster care he had come to terms with that and had a family (has 5 kids)..he said simply, "I haven't." That seems honest to me, and real. I figure there will always be hurts there that are tender and sore.

At 6:33 AM, Blogger Mary Akers said...

This is very honest and real, Jordan. Most people never even bother to reach toward understanding. The struggle is too much for them. I'm guessing your mother keeps going because she knows how lucky she is that you are willing to try.


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