Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Is it possible that I have too much time on my hands? I mean this comparatively, of course. I barely have enough time in any given day to do my freelance work, work on my novel, prepare new ideas/pitches for future work and then all the important, sundry tasks like dish-washing, gardening, ipod uploading and exercise. Still, I manage to visit all the blogs of my friends, exchange about sixty-five emails, change my outfit twice, browse various sites online pertaining to interests, research or future ideas, and still...I'm finding myself a little starved for contact.

The problem is that I'm still coming off the Bennington high of eleven days of constant contact, intense daily stimulation in the form of lectures/readings; eating my meals with no less than ten of my friends; perambulating the gorgeous grounds of my college campus and spending after hours drinking beers and chatting with yet more people. Intensive immersion. This is what I realize I am going to miss. Because it was only twice a year, it's not like it ever got to be totally overwhelming; by the time we got sick of each other, the residency was pretty much over. At least I speak for myself. I think the fourth residency had the most stale quality of any of them, but I think that's also because our third semesters were mostly rough and we had all the work of the fourth semester ahead of us. I really can't believe it's over. I haven't looked at my degree again since I got home. I'm going to have it framed along with my BA, but until then, I keep forgetting I have it. Could it possibly be over? No more packets? My thesis done? I really gave my lecture? Why is this so hard to grok?

I feel a little unmoored finally. I think because E. finally went back to work and for the first time in almost a month I am truly alone in my home with only myself, my words and my computer interface to make me feel connected to something. I'm not sure what I think of this. It's not a crisis, but I think that my sense of loss about the end has been delayed. Now, probably, my friends are all adjusting and it's just starting to hit me that things have ended.

I'm also acknowledging that things are changing in general. I feel like we're at a new crossroads, where things are going to shift in big ways. That's good, but it's also a bit unsettling. I'm doing my best to relax into things and try not to control them too much.

I've decided to pick up Alice Mattison's book, The Marriage of the Two-Headed Woman, which I did not get to finish, and finish it. Partly because i want to keep her voice, in whatever form, in my head as I finish this novel.

Sorry to be so boring these days.

Now Playing: Decora.


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