Tuesday, May 24, 2005

There are two kinds of abundance, I'm learning. The first is the coveted kind that makes pop-culture icons out of self-help gurus: abundant money, abundant love and time and energy, and abundant connection to one's spiritual sense. That's good abundance; that is having all that you want because you've discovered that it really is okay to have, so long as one's energy is in agreement.

THEN there is another kind of abundance that keeps showing up in my life as overwhelm, and I'm very curious about why. This kind of abundance looks sort of like the first kind I mentioned but it comes with a hanging tag known as "too much." Too much work, leading to a mental traffic jam. Too many good ideas, leading to not being able to pick up one. Too many worthy projects needing my attention; too many people I want to get together with but do not have the time for; too many deadlines looming. This is where the dark sister to Too Much comes into play: Not Enough. For all that there is too much of, there is not enough time, energy, sanity, stamina or creativity to engage/finish/begin them all.

So now I'm trying to figure out what I'm really asking of the universe. It seems to me that what I am asking is "Give me a lot. Undifferentiated, relatively related to the field I'm in, but the main criteria is that you bring me lots of it!" No wonder I hit instant overwhelm. I wonder what it would look like if I asked the universe to send me ONLY that which I know i can comfortably complete with ease and pride, enough to keep the financial coffers full and even slightly spilling over, but never so much that I will go flying into the stinking pile of overwhelm. That's a whole different story.

Fortunately, tucked into this morass of TOO MUCH there are projects that really interest me. Some good things are happening too. I took a leap and asked the agent I'm most interested in working with, who has been considering my novel for some time, if she would deign to meet with me when I come to New York in June. She said YES. So unless she is a sadist who likes to refuse a client in person, I feel that this bodes well for, at the very least, an informative conversation. Becca and I have completed the outline of our non-fiction book for attracting the artistic life and we are very excited. We'll be beginning something called the "Prosperity plan" shortly, which will very likely contribute to the prosperity workshop for writers we are dreaming up next.

So if I can change my expected outcome, and then my energetic vibration from asking to be overwhelmed, to expecting to get exactly what I can comfortably, proudly handle and find that I have enough of everything I need, I think I'll be in good shape. I'll report how this shift goes, or not.

I guess I'm proving all those people who still think of me as a Hippie Girl right after all. So be it.



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